NaBloPoMo 11.20.09

Saber Tooth.

NaBloPoMo wouldn't be complete without a post about my gym. (If you're ever hard-up for something to write about, just visit my gym; you'll walk out with a week's worth of shit guaranteed.)

Today's installment of Tales From the Gym involves the saddest thing I've ever seen on a treadmill and the scariest thing I've ever seen in pink sweatpants.

First the sad. During my workout, I notice this boy on one of the treadmills. He keeps looking around frantically, checking his watch, and looking terribly distracted. All this while a giant TV above him blasts SportsCenter. How could any self-respecting guy be distracted from that? Then, while I'm finishing up my workout on the elliptical (in case you want to know, my Friday workout consists of a workout sandwich: cardio, weights, cardio), I notice this boy is still looking around, checking his watch, straining to look into the parking lot. Obviously he was waiting for someone. Did he get stood up by some chick? It certainly seemed like it...I doubt he'd be that worked up if one of his buddies was a little late. He literally spent his time on the treadmill either looking at his watch, wrenching his neck around to scope out the people in the gym (maybe she's hiding!), and looking at the parking lot. I felt bad for him until he got so distracted by trying to scope out the parking lot that he actually FELL OFF THE TREADMILL. No wonder she didn't show, dude.

Now on to the scary. As I was working on my hamstrings, I noticed something bright pink out of the corner of my eye. I've mentioned before that I go to a "no-frills" gym. None of the women care about what they wear (clearly established here, here, and here) and don't feel the need to cake on make-up before they work out. This woman must not have gotten that memo. This was the second day in a row that I saw her, and she was wearing the same bright pink sweatpants perfectly rolled up under her knees, a white sports bra, and matching pink gloves. Her blond coif was pulled up into a pony tail revealing a face full of make-up. She is very thin (meth thin) and clearly thinks her body is worth showing off. While she works out, she looks around to make sure that everyone is watching her. She parades around the gym, making sure she goes out of her way to walk past the 20-something boys. Here's the thing: it would be humorous if she wasn't in her frickin' 50s! I'm not great with judging age, but she has the face of someone in at least their 50s (either that or she's actually 25 and has spent way too much time in the sun). She barely works out; she just parades around hoping someone will notice her (perhaps that's why she opts for the bright pink sweat pants?). The most disturbing thing today was her nipple jewelry. It's hot in the gym, there is no way she could have been nipping out that bad. I seriously think she was wearing nipple enhancements or something. It was like headlights coming at you...you wanted to look away but couldn't. Gahhhh! She may think she's a Cougar, but Cougar's aren't nearly a scary enough label for this woman. Therefore, I am hereby deeming her: Saber Tooth Tiger. Keep your hands out of the cage, kiddies.

NaBloPoMo 11.19.09

I work in a shithole.

The building in which I work stinks. Stinks. On so many levels. And when I try to talk to someone about it, I get a shrug for an answer. Like there is nothing they can do and this is just a perfectly acceptable work environment. Here is just a sampling of what I have to deal with:

1. A retired douchebag keeps showing up with his dog. He lets this dog roam around the entire building and, as a result, this dog pees everywhere. A pregnant woman here almost vomited because the urine smell was so strong. No one cleaned it up; it will be in the carpet for perpetuity.

2. People don't wash their dishes. They leave them in the sink covered with peanut butter and other unidentifiable slop, apparently waiting for the dishwashing fairy to show up and take care of them. I actually had to make up a sign with a pig on it to place on people's dirty dishes to try to get the point across. Oink oink!

3. Speaking of our nasty breakroom, someone stuffed a whole fish in the disposal. Honestly: I walked into the kitchen area and someone had literally tried to jam a giant fish down the disposal in the sink. I took one look at the fish head poking up out of the hole (I swear it was staring at me), spun on my heels, and got the hell out of there.

4. My office is right above the kitchen, which means I smell everything everyone makes. This includes the toast that someone burns EVERY EFFING DAY. I sneak down and turn the toaster to the lowest setting, but I'll be damned if they don't crank that bastard back up to "I prefer mine charred."

5. Squirrels. And mice. They run about the building like it's theirs. And the people working here just giggle like it's no big deal. Like it's just their offspring bounding down the stairs, running across the counter tops, scampering down the hall. I once spent the better part of the morning chasing a red squirrel around the building, trying to get the flea bag outside. Is this really a good use of my time? (Not to mention tax payer dollars).

What irks me the most are the mouse traps littering the floor in the kitchen. GROSS. I've never seen a dead mouse in one of them, so obviously they don't work. The mice continue to live, chew on things, and shit everywhere. Isn't this a health hazard? Why hasn't this building been gutted or an exterminator been contacted? There is nothing more disturbing than warming up your soup while surrounded by mouse traps. Except maybe this:

I'm not kidding. I walked into the kitchen one morning this week to find this note. I love the whimsical mouse clip art; that really helps. So this person saw a big rodent and the logical thing to do is to tell people to get rid of their food. Instead of taking the time to make this lovely flyer, why didn't they get on the horn to our maintenance people? Take care of the mouse problem! But no, we're supposed to accommodate; our food is the cause of the problem and therefore we need to keep it out of the kitchen area. How back-asswards is that?

After I got good and pissed off at this sign, I noticed this:

Okay, so I admit there are a couple nice things about the location of my building. But the interior, not so much. As I was gazing at this peaceful creature and feeling the anger wane, I looked down and saw that I was standing - in open-toed shoes - on a mouse trap.

&*%$!!!!!!!

NaBloPoMo 11.18.09

RIP Dana.

My brother's family dog, Dana, passed away last night. She was fourteen years old, thought she was human, and was such a sweet puppy. She loved her tennis balls and swimming in the lake at our cabin. As she thought she was human, she didn't pay too much attention to other animals. But I think she somehow knew my dog, Dori, was family because she tolerated her and even played with her occasionally. Last year, her abilities to swim and run diminished, so she just barked orders to Dori on how to properly swim out to fetch the tennis ball in the lake. Dana developed cancer in her later years, and in the last several months grew a tumor the size of a large grapefruit. Dori and I played with her a couple weekends ago at the cabin, so I'm glad we were able to have one last really good memory. Dana died peacefully at home in her mommy's arms.

It's sad that pets don't live as long as humans. You become so attached to the little fur-balls. But I'm sure Dana is without pain now and is chasing tennis balls in heaven.

If you have a pet, please give him or her an extra hug, petting, treat, or kiss in honor of Dana.

NaBloPoMo 11.17.09

I Have Never.

Do you know this game? It's all the rage with the kids these days. For last year's New Year's Eve party at our neighbor's house, we decided to invite one of our new neighbors. New Neighbor is a young man, nice, friendly, can take a good ribbing, and has really put a lot of work into his house. So we, The Neighborhood, think he's okay. He can stay. And he can be invited to our exclusive New Year's Party.

This boy brought a couple friends to this party - a girl he was courting banging and another boy (who we affectionately called Slim Shady). As the night progressed and New Neighbor's friends became increasingly more intoxicated, they decided to bust out the drinking games (because who doesn't want to slam beers and do shots after drinking seven bottles of Chardonnay?).

The girl started slurring something about a game called, "I Have Never" where everyone holds up their hand, someone says something that they have never done, and then if you have done that particular thing, you have to lower a finger and take a drink. Once you are out of fingers (and thumb), you are out of the game. Really, this is just a recipe for disaster for anyone involved in a relationship. "I've never cheated on anyone." Boyfriend lowers finger; girl glares; fight ensues; everyone becomes uncomfortable; buzz kill. However I, being in a mature relationship, actually found this game pretty amusing. The dynamics between New Neighbor, Easy Bang, and Slim Shady were quite entertaining. The Hubby and I giggled at the things these fresh young grasshoppers haven't done and watched as the glaring ensued when one of them had done something scandalous.

Of course, late in the evening, we discovered Easy Bang and Slim Shady were actually 19 and 20 years old. Our neighbors quickly kicked them out of the house and gave them strict instructions to NOT DRIVE and if they chose to do so, they were NEVER IN THEIR HOUSE DRINKING ALCOHOL. While I haven't played "I Have Never" since (and probably never will again), I have often thought about the simple things that I have never done. I mean, I have my "To Do Before I Tip Over" list which involves a lot of travel and exciting adventures. But the simple list of things I have never done is something I mull over frequently in head. So, I present to you a list of ten things I Have Never.

I Have Never:

1. Seen any of the Godfather movies.

2. Ridden on a motorcycle.

3. Been able to wink with my left eye.

4. Worked at a job longer than 5.5 years.

5. Streaked.

6. Ridden on a train, trolley, or subway.

7. Left this Continent.

8. Thrown away any stuffed animal I have ever owned.

9. Flown on an airplane without crying.

10. Spent more than $40 on a pair of sunglasses; and up until a couple years ago, had never spent more than $12.99 (much to The Hubby's chagrin).

That's just ten of the many embarrassing things I haven't done (okay, so I'm actually kind of proud of the streaking one). I'm sure I'll be adding to this list in future posts. As a side-note, I was able to cross one thing off my list last year when I finally saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High for the first time. So, what have you never?

NaBloPoMo 11.16.09

A Monday.

From: K at Work
Sent: Monday, November 16, 2009 1:41 PM
To: The Hubby at Work
Subject: Hiss.

My early afternoon Hiss List:

(1) Some boy made me drive to Tuesday Morning to get watering globes when they aren't even going to arrive at the store until November 28 (which is clearly listed in the ad, and the cashier was more than happy to point this out to me). Good thing that boy is cute.

(2) The admin assistant keeps talking about her watery eye. If she doesn't stop, I am going to fix it for her. Permanently.

(3) The b*tch who bought my snowpants on Ebay still hasn't given me feedback.

(4) I wore a cowl neck sweater today, which hides my boobs. But that hasn't stopped Ass Hat from staring at them.

The likelihood of seeing you this evening seems to be getting slim, since I will probably kill someone here and have to go to jail. I'll save my one call for you though, baby.

XOXO,

K

NaBloPoMo 11.15.09

Lazy Sunday.

NaBloPoMo 11.14.09

Easy Bake Oven.

When I was little, all I really wanted for my birthday or Christmas was an Easy Bake Oven. My parents refused to buy me one because "our real oven worked just fine" and "the brownies probably taste like plastic" when made with the Easy Bake. Only one problem with that theory: the Easy Bake Oven would be mine. I wasn't allowed to play with the real oven.

As the years passed by and I unwrapped present after present, there was no Easy Bake Oven. I played with my friends' ovens, but that was just like making meals in someone else's home. Not really satisfying.

Obviously, over the years, my priorities have changed. I want different things (although the Easy Bake Oven will always hold a special place in my heart). As I turned 34 this year, I realized how blessed...er, maybe spoiled?...I am. I was able to take a couple days' vacation and enjoy a four-day weekend. On my birthday, my parents came over and had breakfast with me. They brought me a few presents even though I told them that the family cabin re-build was enough of a present for me. Then I went out to lunch and a movie with a good friend (we went to see The Men Who Stare at Goats and were The Girls Who Stare at Clooney). The hubby came home from work and cooked me dinner. Then he gave me THE PRESENT. More on that in a bit.

Friday I had a facial and a massage followed by a relaxing dinner and a movie at home. Today, the hubby took me to a movie (A Christmas Carol in IMAX 3D...very cool) and to my favorite restaurant (where I had the most GINORMOUS, chocolaty desert you could imagine, and I ate almost all of it...seriously, it was a new low...I'm so ashamed).

So back to THE PRESENT. I peeled off all the tape and pried open the box to reveal the 34-year-old's version of the Easy Bake Oven: A Nintendo Wii. I've been wanting one of these since they came out. I can't believe the hubby splurged on this for me.

I have to say my 34th year isn't starting out too shabby. I feel blessed to have wonderful friends and family and an awesome hubby. And, I'm proud to say that I can actually beat my hubby in golf for once (if only on the Wii). My modern day Easy Bake Oven rocks!!